Deliver to Ashburn


Wed, 13 Aug 2014 20:43:00 -0400
Ye: “You can’t be on TV saying we don’t chill with them. Or talk about their marriage. They hate me now, my life is over, I like double dates, I wanted double dates–” Kim: “We just have to lay low for a week.” Creeper To The Left: *whisper* Knowles-Carters are watching.. Ye: “Damn. Our only talking points from now on: Adidas. Givenchy. Zoolander prequel ideas.”
Mon, 21 Jul 2014 18:11:00 -0400
“What am I doing during my only free time? Oh, just renting a taxi to surprise Mr. West. He’s been down lately since we haven’t seen him in a few weeks, or attend his wedding, or invite him to this social gathering we had last week (it was lowkey though). So his favorite movie is Taxi, not the classic one, but the one with Queen Latifah and Jimmy Fallon. Like seriously, his all time favorite movie. We’ll probably drive around for a few hours reenacting some of the more pivotal scenes. Yup. My only free time this week, all of it for Mr. West.
Thu, 10 Jul 2014 19:36:44 -0400
*softly* “Imma ask again. Could you just hold my hand? I can’t do elevators anymo–” “Boy, if you don’t hush. We have two more floors, we’ll be out soon.”
Fri, 19 Jul 2013 15:26:14 -0400
“I just said our baby’s name and North West’s in the same sentence. It sounded like a New England Patriot’s offensive play. What have we done?”
Thu, 04 Jul 2013 23:16:11 -0400
“Listen. I’m grateful for my friendship with Justin. I cherish it. And I’m truly proud of the work we’ve been doing together.‘Suit & Tie?’ Great track. ‘Holy Grail?’ Fucking divine. But sometimes… Sometimes I lie awake at night and I think about the nature of friendship, and of artistry, and collaboration, and I just… I mean, I’ll put it like this. Kanye isn’t on my new album. At all. And I wasn’t on his. And… And now people are going to be comparing them to one another, and picking favorites, and this time last year, we… I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m probably over-thinking everything. It just sucks. I don’t know.”
Sat, 15 Jun 2013 21:51:07 -0400
“Yes. Full Stop. I’ve heard.”
Fri, 29 Mar 2013 00:26:48 -0400
“It happened, Jay. It happened just as I dreamed it would happen. Kim is humongous. She’s huge. I know, I know… I sound like a soulless contributor to a cultural discourse that publicly and shamelessly attacks women’s bodies for doing things that women’s bodies are supposed to do. I mean. I know. I guess– you know what, Jay, she’s glowing, she’s fucking glowing, and she’s radiant, and– god, I cannot wait to meet this baby. This baby can’t get here fast enough.”
Wed, 06 Feb 2013 03:11:39 -0500
“This is not my clique. I don’t love these humans. I love the Knowles-Carters. I miss the shit out of them. I watched Bey on the Super Bowl the other night and it was the first time I’d seen her face in forever. And I wasn’t even really seeing her face, you know? Like, in person? And listen- listen- she killed it. She murdered it. And I was so happy for her but I was also so- I was just about to say sad, but it’s not sad. It’s not that. It’s not anything I can put a name on.”
Mon, 31 Dec 2012 00:57:19 -0500
“A storm is coming… Kardashian spawn. She has been planning this for– for– I mean, she couldn’t even give poor Blue one motherfucking year in the spotlight before she– ugh. And it’s sad, you know– because, because, listen– I’m thrilled for Kanye. I am. But Kim… Kimberly Noel Kardashian… I hope she gets super fucking fat. I truly do. And not cute fat. Ugly fat. Super ugly fucking fat.”
Sun, 30 Dec 2012 20:10:00 -0500
Jay and Bey have this game they like to play with me when they go on vacation. They don’t like to tell which hotel room they’re staying in, HAHAHA. Bunch of clowns. They always call and say something like, “You’re not welcome” “We won’t be staying long.” “You have to stop force feeding Baby Blue Godiva chocolates. She can’t digest them!” “AAAHHHH, GOD IT’S HIM.” They are a pair of pranksters. This hotel has…19 floors. So, imma start with 1 and work my way up. HAHA, love ‘em.
Sun, 23 Dec 2012 01:24:02 -0500
“I had so many missed calls from Kanye today that I had to put my phone on airplane mode. I can’t– I can’t, anymore. I just cannot do this. I couldn’t find the strength to get out of my pajamas this morning. I’ve had three panic attacks since noon. There has to be a way out.”
Sat, 22 Dec 2012 19:16:56 -0500
“JAY! Stop the show. I think I forgot to feed my Tamagotchi.” “fool, if you don’t keep rapping… I’ll hit reset on that shit.”
Thu, 20 Dec 2012 20:29:55 -0500
“George Bush doesn’t care about black people…” -Kanye West “Jay, this is a Youtube classic. It tops ’Scarlet Takes’ a Tumble and ’Charlie Bit My Finger.”
Wed, 19 Dec 2012 13:53:56 -0500
“Jay. It’s so amazing how he can entertain himself for hours and hours… just by rolling around in his gold doubloons and thinking of words that rhyme with Maybach.”
Mon, 22 Oct 2012 14:13:26 -0400
“I’m working on a new track with Suri Cruise. Beyonce wants me to sample some tracks since…Baby blue? Baby shoe? Baby J-Crew? has started to hum. To be honest, Baby View, sounded a little out of tune, but that’s nothing Auto-tune can’t fix. I’m just gonna sample the ‘Pop That’ track and mix it with ‘Dangerously In Love Part II’. Ratchet meets Hood Love, Scientology meets Baptist, that’s the feel I’m going for.”
Mon, 17 Sep 2012 21:44:38 -0400
“Bey, I just got a text from Kanye.” “Don’t open it…” “He said, ‘Still battling for custody of my inner child. The judges won’t help me, Kim don’t understand, and I need my inner child!’ I’m not responding.” “Look at your phone again, Jay.” “Damn 22 new messages, 8 voicemails, and one poke on facebook?” “Silly rabbit, the iphone tells people when you read a message. You gon’ learn to listen.”
Tue, 04 Sep 2012 22:09:32 -0400
“We hadn’t heard from Ye in about a week, and so we went over to his house– just, you know, just to make sure everything was cool, everything was kosher… No one was home, but, um, we know where he keeps his spare key– it’s underneath the ruby-encrusted jaguar statue on the front porch– and what we found… What we found may change the face of our friendship forever… He even… He even has a Destiny’s Child album up there…”
Thu, 23 Aug 2012 19:12:49 -0400
“Baby Blue is gonna love these gifts Kim. You are so thoughtful.” “Ye, regifting my wedding gifts is nothing. There are so many, even after my mom took all the stuff she liked. And this garter is gonna look so cute as a headband for Baby Blue.”
Tue, 14 Aug 2012 13:33:31 -0400
“Kim, before this ride starts, I wanted to say I noticed you only had 10 copies of Watch The Throne. If you commit to buying 151 more copies, I will instruct the employees to fastening your seat-belt and we can continue on in love. If not, you’re gonna get dropped like my next album…hard.”
Tue, 07 Aug 2012 14:40:41 -0400
“…This was waiting for us in our mailbox this morning. And, to us, you know, this is- this is, like, the equivalent of waking up to a motherfuckin’ horse’s head in our bed. Our troubled, treasured Kanye… Slipping through our fingers. We’re losing him… to them…”